status quo

super random post that might make little sense, but wanted to purge some major thoughts from this late night/early morning...I talked with my mom for the first time since everything started to go down--come to think of it, it might be the first time in nearly 2 months.....I don't entirely know or understand why I hadn't sooner...part of it is I don't know how to talk to her most of the time...so often it leads to frustration for one reason or another...I wonder if it's avoidance, and maybe it is, but if it is it's not a surface level avoidance--it goes deeper....I think part of it is status quo...sad as it may be, this is the reality of my relationship with my mom...I distanced myself from her--at least on the surface--many years ago already now....I couldn't help but feel terrible about my lack of action when I asked her if she had things to read and do and she told me about how people had brought her magazines and puzzle books...how easy it would have been to put together a care package with such things to show I cared...do other people care more than I do? or is it just proximity that makes it easier to show it? over and over again though I prove that I have great ideas, with apparently little motivation to actually carry them out....a couple hours ago the thought occurred to me that we might all be getting worked up again for something that will barely be a memory down the road--that for all our fears, worries, and maybe hopes, in the end nothing will change....they'll both go home and whether some things change or not, life will go on very similar to what it has for the last 10+ years...sometimes I wonder if my lack of worry and concern over stuff is that I simply know that in so many ways in the long run it's not important or if it's avoidance or denial or some other personal fault...is it a strength or a weakness? and then there are all these thoughts I have that point to my concern for myself over my mom...wanting my friends to ask me how things are--to show they care----about me.....but then as I have painfully become aware of this week at work, how do you tell someone about your middle-aged mother who needs care usually associated with the elderly and whose health problems are probably linked to her possibly daily dependance on alcohol to cope with the past......and then there are all of my fears about how much I might actually be like her or might be an the same path in the long run--yet with some major differences.....are my day to day actions a result of a fear or aversion to struggling through things....in connection with last night's post--I think I'm drowning...........