reaction

so I finally decided to post on fb that my family could use prayers, making it known that things are a bit difficult...and I got lots of support from my IN network--pretty much all of my coworkers, my church friends and LeeAnn...also some family and family friends.......pretty much nothing from my "favorites"--my once close circle of friends...the ones who actually have some background knowledge.....well I was grateful for their support, I also found it rather sad (on the end of my supposed friends) that it was from people who I don't really consider friends...we don't hang out and I wouldn't expect that to really change if I left...I'd like to say I'll get over it, and I will to some extent, but it's just more proof that things have changed and we were never really the friends I thought we were and that somehow I need to find a way to move on

status quo

super random post that might make little sense, but wanted to purge some major thoughts from this late night/early morning...I talked with my mom for the first time since everything started to go down--come to think of it, it might be the first time in nearly 2 months.....I don't entirely know or understand why I hadn't sooner...part of it is I don't know how to talk to her most of the time...so often it leads to frustration for one reason or another...I wonder if it's avoidance, and maybe it is, but if it is it's not a surface level avoidance--it goes deeper....I think part of it is status quo...sad as it may be, this is the reality of my relationship with my mom...I distanced myself from her--at least on the surface--many years ago already now....I couldn't help but feel terrible about my lack of action when I asked her if she had things to read and do and she told me about how people had brought her magazines and puzzle books...how easy it would have been to put together a care package with such things to show I cared...do other people care more than I do? or is it just proximity that makes it easier to show it? over and over again though I prove that I have great ideas, with apparently little motivation to actually carry them out....a couple hours ago the thought occurred to me that we might all be getting worked up again for something that will barely be a memory down the road--that for all our fears, worries, and maybe hopes, in the end nothing will change....they'll both go home and whether some things change or not, life will go on very similar to what it has for the last 10+ years...sometimes I wonder if my lack of worry and concern over stuff is that I simply know that in so many ways in the long run it's not important or if it's avoidance or denial or some other personal fault...is it a strength or a weakness? and then there are all these thoughts I have that point to my concern for myself over my mom...wanting my friends to ask me how things are--to show they care----about me.....but then as I have painfully become aware of this week at work, how do you tell someone about your middle-aged mother who needs care usually associated with the elderly and whose health problems are probably linked to her possibly daily dependance on alcohol to cope with the past......and then there are all of my fears about how much I might actually be like her or might be an the same path in the long run--yet with some major differences.....are my day to day actions a result of a fear or aversion to struggling through things....in connection with last night's post--I think I'm drowning...........

Stand in the Rain

On the way home from work this afternoon it was starting to snow/sleet and it was around the time it starts to get busy with people picking up kids from school so there was a bit of a backup on my 2 mile commute due to having to wait 4 times as long to get through the light just before the entrance to my apt complex...but it meant I got to hear this song by Superchick, which I've always liked...I turned my volume up to 18--the loudest I've had it to date and the window was closed and I was barely moving so it wasn't due to noise from traveling ;) I loved the feel of the base vibrating throughout the car and myself :) anyway, it's the words from the middle verse in particular that hit home for me....

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

we may not understand, but He is faithful

I'm sure there could be a snippet of my mom's story in this song...I can only imagine how hard it is for her to understand, but I just wish she knew she could place her trust in God and let Him help her through this life instead of giving up on it

fading away

my mom has slowly been killing herself for years...and finally other people are seeing it...should I have tried harder to get people to see it sooner? I feel guilty that maybe I haven't done enough to try to help her...but then again, how much can one do to change the actions of another and how do you make others understand what they have little frame of reference for...I haven't even fully understood it because I never have the full picture either...I'm fairly certain I shared my concerns with a few people, but I don't think they quite understood it...I'm very grateful for all that my sister is doing...she's resourceful as well as being able to stay calm.......my stepdad has also slowly been killing himself...and today he checked into treatment...while I'm grateful that he has finally acknowledged his problem and is seeking help, I can't help but be slightly jealous...my sister and I and others have tried to steer my mom that way for 15 years...there's a chance she could finally be headed that way as well, but I have a hard time mustering up faith that it could happen until it actually does....I should probably be going to meetings again so that I could actually talk to others about it............

totally me

especially #2 at work and #10 and #14 in general...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2014/03/15-struggles-people-who-bottle-up-their-feelings-understand/

so often something happens in my life and I want to talk to someone about it, and when I finally get the chance, I just can't manage to bring it up

can you relate?

so I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother and the beginning of this song played at the end of it...the lyrics hit me so I looked it up....rivers and roads apart...in every way apparently

not yet...

but someday...




realized sometime recently that this link doesn't play so went back to figure out what this post from 6/20/14 was about...it's Rascal Flatts "I'm Moving On"

weddings

you know what's really hard?

being lonely and listening to love songs to help pick out music for a wedding....

I was feeling ok about these weddings a few months ago, but suddenly in the last few weeks...

it's just getting harder.....

I hate feeling this way...felt this way last spring/summer and I think I managed to make the best of it pretty well and think I will again, but it doesn't mean that there aren't moments where I just think it sucks...

and then the big question...

will August be the end of it all??

will I bother anymore???

Took an online quiz to see my mental age for fun....

got 17...

Eager, emotional and slightly confused, you haven't quite found your place in this world yet. You're young and curious at heart, and life is still as exciting for you as it was when you were a teenager, and still as scary. Fear not, it's OK not to feel like a grown up yet, even if you are one. Take your time kiddo

was kind of surprised at first, but not so much when thinking about the questions and reading the description...was really more what stage of life are you in by societies norms...although really I had some questions that I thought would put me a touch older, despite those that I knew kept me younger

although I don't think my life is all that exciting, I have always felt young at heart and I certainly haven't found my place in this world yet...and I know it's just an online quiz, but I really like the line

Fear not, it's OK not to feel like a grown up yet, even if you are one.